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From worst to first: Ranking every state in America


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From worst to first: Ranking every state in America
 

 
50. Florida
When putting together a list such as this, there can be some temptation to defy popular expectations, and go against the grain. However, Florida’s awfulness resume is so staggeringly impressive that it couldn’t go any other way. You were born for this. Embrace it.

49. Delaware
Dogfish Head, one of the most enduring jokes from Wayne’s World, and… that about covers it. Even people from Delaware don’t really fight back all that hard when you make fun of Delaware.

48. Ohio
Getting LeBron back only further cemented its position as the Florida of the North.

47. Arizona
The inevitable answer to any question that starts with, “Where do those nice retired people we met on that river cruise live?”, AZ is also home to golf pros playing the Web.com Tour, and college students whose parents don’t seem to mind paying down the credit card balance on tribal tattoos. Though the unmitigated beauty of its canyons and deserts is well known, the northern part of the state actually holds the largest number of ponderosa pine trees in the world, a fact that would hold more sway in the ranking if they weren’t completely useless as Christmas trees.

46. Utah
To this day Utah is still amazed it managed to host the Olympics.

45. Mississippi
The only state children actually use in counting games is like a John Grisham book, but Jake Brigance has to quit his lawyer job to work on a catfish aquaculture farm in Yazoo City.

44. Connecticut
Inventing the cheeseburger, the can opener, ESPN, and Rick Mahorn can only get you so far. Also, we’re subtracting points for John Mayer and warm lobster rolls.

43. North Dakota
Chuck Klosterman is currently preparing a 3,000-word essay detailing why playing the Queen song “Tenement Funster” off their Sheer Heart Attack album during the second season of the show Hang Time proves that the forthcoming statement is incorrect, but it’s true: North Dakota is the lesser Dakota.

42. Missouri
Let’s just say the rest of the country is REALLY enjoying the Cardinals being embroiled in a massive cheating scandal right now, which speaks to how sanctimonious they’ve become. Take note, Royals fans, even though the whole thing with most of Kansas City actually being in Missouri is frustratingly confusing for everyone else. Also, when you have a special type of cheese that is only made for your special variety of pizza and isn’t used anywhere else, that is a sign that it’s not very good cheese. Good ribs though!

41. Nevada
If a guy tells you he is from Vegas, he’s either a mediocre street magician or a budding baseball phenom. If a guy tells you he goes to Vegas all the time, you should probably think twice before trusting him. And if a guy tells you he goes to Reno all the time, you are either about to be murdered or given the hard sell on some discounted irrigation equipment. Great buffet values though!

40. Nebraska
Where your grandpa gets his mail-order steaks, and where the good citizens see a football coach and say “now THAT guy should be in Congress.”

39. South Carolina
Umm… pass?

38. Rhode Island
Tiny Rhode Island doesn’t have a chip on its diminutive shoulder. It’s just the wooden spoon from an empty carton of Del’s Frozen Lemonade.

37. Idaho
The gun America is menacingly pointing at Canada! It seems kind of unfair that many Americans simultaneously adore potatoes and mock Idaho for farming so many potatoes. It’s just hard to get fired up about the state’s progress as a hub for semiconductor manufacturing, ya know?

36. West Virginia
West Virginia is the state equivalent of that friend from college who purposely gets in fights with security guards at free Barenaked Ladies concerts.

35. Kansas
You don’t become the largest producer of sunflowers by sitting on your butt. Or do you? Agriculture seems complicated.

34. Georgia
At the middle school lunch table that is America, Georgia is that kid who everyone kind of can’t stand but tolerates because their parents are friends and they usually have good snacks at their house. It makes sense. Think about it. The snacks are Augusta National and connecting flights through the Atlanta airport, if that helps.

33. South Dakota
You don’t carve the faces of presidents into a mountain unless you’re doing something right. And whatever that right thing is, it might involve fry bread, chislic, kuchen, January Jones, and the location of THE GREATEST HBO SHOW OF ALL TIME. But still, it is a Dakota.

32. Oklahoma
Points for onion burgers, Color Me Badd, Louis L’Amour’s later works, that flirtatious minx Ado Annie Carnes from the musical Oklahoma!, the first shopping cart, 2007 Wes Welker, and that one song from Cross Canadian Ragweed that they don’t play anymore. Negative infinity points for Skip Bayless.

Related: A Slice of America: The Best Pizzeria in Every State

31. Virginia
Minus points for its messy divorce with West Virginia and numerous historical inaccuracies in Remember the Titans, which is really more Disney’s fault, but still. Plus points for ham and the good parts about Thomas Jefferson.

30. Massachusetts
If America is Sirius Satellite Radio (which it is!), Ma$s is that station that only plays NPR think pieces on jimmies, mixed in with snippets of sports talk-radio callers yelling (also, some Dropkick Murphys).

29. Alabama
Less a state than two opposing tribes of football fanatics caught up in a Cold War conducted using call-in radio show proxies and tree assassins. Actually needs to be congratulated for figuring out a way to work mayonnaise into its BBQ.

28. Indiana
Hoosiers like to think of themselves as the living embodiment of a John Mellencamp song, even if they were never actually born in a small town or dated anyone named Diane. While the folksiness can feel a bit forced sometimes, there’s definitely something to all that #HoosierHospitality they talked about so much when everyone was mad at them for that thing they did. Everyone was a bit skeptical when they landed a Super Bowl, but people walked away almost universally impressed, which isn’t an easy feat (cough Jacksonville cough).

27. Illinois
Chicago’s a fine city that vacillates between having WAY too high an opinion of itself and desperately needing outside approval. That said, without it, Illinois would really be scraping bottom. Have you ever been to Rockford? That city enjoys bowling to a degree that makes everybody else uncomfortable. Also, since 1961 Illinois has sent an impressive four governors to prison, so watch yourself Bruce Rauner!

26. Wyoming
A state as played by Jack Palance in City Slickers, you’ll recognize Wyoming as the one eating bull fries and venison jerky, dressed in gold and brown, talking smack about Colorado. It should be given credit for creating the USA’s first national park in Yellowstone, and giving teenage boys everywhere a chance to snicker at the Grand Tetons.

25. Iowa
The Hawkeye State is like that kid you bunk with at camp who has decent snacks, and never tries to steal your diary and read it aloud at lunch, even though he can hear you weeping while you write your missives under the covers. So basically it’s pleasant, but not entirely memorable. Though to be fair, in most countries, coming up with the Eskimo Pie, the loose-meat sandwich, and University of Iowa three point-shooting legend Chris Kingsbury would be enough to ensure a place at the top of the heap. But America is not most countries, according to Wikipedia.
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