My Death Certificate

[The Red nigga]

When I die the pastor will say here lies a guy who cheated death more then once.
Because when he was born just this close.
One pound eight ounces is all he weighted.
He did not way that much but he had the world on his shoulders.
He had one night to show the world that he was not born to be missed.
This all happened because of two grown folks one kiss.
He survived through the night he was not let down.
He came through this world and ended with one wife and three child.
I say he had 3 kids because he had 1 boy, 1 dream to get out the ghetto
and the drive to make that happen.
He had this strength and this drive because he had his women by his side.
To show him that their was more to life then just that one ride.
The pastor stops for a min the room feel silent he looked around a said why
are y'all here why are y'all crying? One woman stood and said and said I'm here because he was a great brother.
Another stood and said I'm here because he was a great father.
A group of people stood up and said were here because we all were affected by his rhymes and his poems.
A guy spoke out the group and said he saved my because I was at the end of my rope and his word pulled me back in.
I red his poems and I figured why I'm I here about to pull this trigger.
And they all said we had all been affected by his words and his thoughts.

Look out for the ending give some suggesgens.

[The Red nigga]

I need sum feedback

[JimDinO77]

it wasn't that bad.....3 child (grammer error)....wasn't that strong of a poem though...just think it through some more

[foxylady06]

those verses were ok, they can be better. the spelling and grammer needs work, and the poem kind of left me hanging, i mean it could be a little longer
with the right words in a couple of the verses the flow will be real nice, its ok now though. i liked to content, hated the grammer, wanted more at the end

[The Red nigga]

the reason for the grammer is that with my Baltimore actsent i made it rime

[Poison Ink]

i don't like it, what was your point in writing it. it sounds like a struggle that everyone has, then u jump from you being born to you having a wife and children.

[preshrunkmilk]

ya i thought it was going to be a short poem were the child died after one day way conffusing but id still like to see it end you cant give out a piece of a poem like that man give me the rest so i can give you a critq or atleast know if i do like it?????????????????????????????????????? ?

[jag1]

i thought it was pretty gud, some bits were bit confusing tho, but kp ur head up cuz