Maturation

[aplus]

http://slumz.boxden.com/showthread.php?t=615366

My (losing) open mic drop...opening it up for crits and compliments...thanks in advance...


Maturation

Visiting my alma mater years after graduation,
I walk along streets that I once knew intimately,
Searching out places which are now all closed, condemned,
Or changed. College has become a long-gone dream
That happened to somebody else; words like “hangover”
And “all-nighter” have vanished from my vocabulary.

Time sneaks past in tricky ways, so I feel humbled
By the pace of existence, recalling all my orphaned intentions
To change the world, aspirations conceived before I found myself
Married to the motionless drama of gainful employment.

I try remembering myself as a freshman, imagining being
Healed and free again, true to whatever I used to know
Or what I just couldn’t understand, thinking back
To when life felt contingent on something else,
Something I was changing into,
Something I have become.

[fairelyse]

Nice sentiments but it doesn't flow,it has to many pauses and I know you could do better!

[~BLUEPRINT~]

i want this to be a bit longer as well, but i can see where you came from with this, it just didnt come full circle to me....

[True Geniu$]

i like this one. can't remember if i voted for it or not. i feel like this when i walk through my elementary hallways. ah...memories. very nice piece mr. a+. not your best work that i've seen, but i like it. still pretty good...

[aplus]

uppin

[Gadgetgirl]

It's a deep, reflective, yet sort of short piece. I like the Poetic-Prose style. Wanted a little more...can't help it A+, you got me spoiled! :)

[aplus]

thanks for the feedback, I might try to make it longer....I know it's short, but I seem to be writing short ones lately for some reason

[SuNsHiNe_BLuE]

This was aiight to me plus...I think you could have definitely done more in the way of being descriptive of maybe some other specific memories...the phrase "orphaned intentions" really sticks out to me, that's hot...maybe gear it to WHY you're returning...did you come for a reunion? a funeral? just a chance to reminisce? self-evaluation? give the reader a little more (IMO) :D

[aplus]

good ideas sunshine...that's the sh*t I usually think about in a poem, but missed it here...that could we a boundless area to explore...I was meeting up with old friends to go to a football game, and they still lived in the college town, doing college things...can def. parlay that into something...good feedback

btw - nice avy, it would be cool if someone could get that made a street sign, I'd hang it at my place...

[JERSEYchick23]

I always give props where its due and you deserve some... But if it was longer i would luv it even more

[smilygangster]

I like the way you approached to the concept as you talked about your unemployment and regrets that bother you......Also it's interesting how you didn't pay attention to any rhyme scheme and wrote this poem freely.....Flow is affected by it but still it is as good as far as i can see....Vocabulary is very nice. I suggest if you even the lines and try to organize the poem in a more chronological way it would be a lot better but still it's a nice read.....~*props*~

[iheartnas]

Good imagery and tone... i liked it a lot... you should continue :)