message to my future son

[aplus]

http://slumz.boxden.com/showthread.php?t=296285

Crit or compliment - A+


message to my future son

this will be your world, my child.
a place where you have yet to be conceived
since I’m not yet prepared to confront
the challenge of fatherhood,
and since I have yet to develop the fortitude
to carry both your weight
and mine.

this will be your world.
and today I read in the morning paper
where a black man was beaten by officers
until his blood dripped onto cold pavement.
it is like a sport to some policemen,
hunting brothers like they are wild game,
ignoring that we’re an endangered species.

this will be your world, son.
and the insanity here isn’t at all fathomable.
this is a place where brutality has become as common
as hookers and thugs on Hennepin Avenue,
a society where dead children
are now simply a byline on the seventh page
of the local news, right beside advertisements
for hair loss and personal computers.

this will be your world,
a place that’s trying
to get better so that I can bring you into it.
until then, you’ll remain a single-celled prisoner
within my loins, a glint of hope inside the genetic ooze
that I keep trapped underneath a condom
or neutralized by a lover’s pill,
every time I fu*k a woman
who wants to make love
and make you.

I must admit that I’ve met Ms. Right
at least thousand times,
sweet talked her out her panties,
navigated the curvy landscape of her backside,
and like her body,
every fantasy was explored.
I could have sired you on several nights,
and after I untied the knotted tangle of human emotion,
I would’ve been happy about your arrival.
after all, I’ve pinched the cheeks of other men’s offspring,
watched their Little League games and recitals,
and pretended for a brief period that they were my child.

so I am no longer scared of my flaws,
just the faults of humanity that I cannot control.
yesterday, I sat outside in a city park
and watched this old timer
who has spent the last decade
becoming perpetually grey, his shirt
reeking of cheap wine and sorrow,
drop down in the middle of an unswept path
and start praying amongst the city filth and scattering pigeons.
and for some reason, I had the urge to pray with him,
kneel down right next to this crazy bum
and give God praise for all that is still glorious
in this shameful world, a planet that you’ll see one day
my son, hoping that the Lord will soon
bless me with the strength to protect you
and provide me enough courage to remain by your side.

[crossroads]

I like this. You can feel the emotion.

[True Geniu$]

nice piece mr. porter. very nice piece...

[BksFinest]

good poem

[aplus]

thanks for the feedback....

[lemonblazer]

that was nice....like the last part...props

[aplus]

thanks lemonblazer

any more crits?

[SuNsHiNe_BLuE]

thanks lemonblazer

any more crits?

absolutely!!!

first and foremost:
this will be your world,
a place that’s trying
to get better so that I can bring you into it.
until then, you’ll remain a single-celled prisoner
within my loins, a glint of hope inside the genetic ooze
that I keep trapped underneath a condom
or neutralized by a lover’s pill,
every time I fu*k a woman
who wants to make love
and make you.

I must admit that I’ve met Ms. Right
at least thousand times,
sweet talked her out her panties,
navigated the curvy landscape of her backside,
and like her body,
every fantasy was explored.
I could have sired you on several nights,
and after I untied the knotted tangle of human emotion,
I would’ve been happy about your arrival.
after all, I’ve pinched the cheeks of other men’s offspring,
watched their Little League games and recitals,
and pretended for a brief period that they were my child.

this is SO vivid and paints an unbelievably clear picture...it's rare that i read poetry from someone and actually get a feel for who they are as a person - that's something i admire a lot about your work, that i can get a feel for your actual personality through reading it...this particular piece sits well with me because (obviously) i have a child and i think about stuff like this a lot - the sh*t that she'll see while she's growing up, and had i known then what i know now would i have made the same decisions, etc...and on another token of that, it's nice to see someone who actively makes a decision about this instead of just taking what comes and hoping for the best....

and now that i've gone off on a tangent - this is excellent, one of the best poems i've read in a long time...10/10

sunshine

[Don Savant]

good stuff mr p....let me know when your book hits the stores..i'm right down the street from barnes and noble and i'll be the first one to buy a copy in support of your work...holla at ya boy and keep doin it big.

[~BLUEPRINT~]

........................I............... ......*SHAKES HEAD*..................................I ............................just........ ........................................ ...dont................................. .................know................... ..............................what...... .................................to..... ...............................say...... ...............................to....... .........................you............ ...........................anymore...... .................................this... ........................................ .........drop........................... ...................is................... ........................................ ...fu*king.............................. ..........................amazing.

[aplus]

thanks sunshine, savant, and blue...much appreciated

good stuff mr p....let me know when your book hits the stores..i'm right down the street from barnes and noble and i'll be the first one to buy a copy in support of your work...holla at ya boy and keep doin it big.

^^Will definitely let you know...it should be soon. My publisher just purchased my Library of Congress number and is supposed to send me my first proofs of the book for review so it will be out soon, maybe not this month, but by late January or so. It's damn hard being patient, though...

[mr.hanky318]

real good read bra...feel like that everyday and that poem helps me look forward to the day my child is born...but i gotta find a woman first! lol

[educ8dfemale]

this will be your world, my child.
a place where you have yet to be conceived
since I’m not yet prepared to confront
the challenge of fatherhood,
and since I have yet to develop the fortitude
to carry both your weight
and mine.

this will be your world.
and today I read in the morning paper
where a black man was beaten by officers
until his blood dripped onto cold pavement.
it is like a sport to some policemen,
hunting brothers like they are wild game,
ignoring that we’re an endangered species.

this will be your world, son.
and the insanity here isn’t at all fathomable.
this is a place where brutality has become as common
as hookers and thugs on Hennepin Avenue,
a society where dead children
are now simply a byline on the seventh page
of the local news, right beside advertisements
for hair loss and personal computers.

this will be your world,
a place that’s trying
to get better so that I can bring you into it.
until then, you’ll remain a single-celled prisoner
within my loins, a glint of hope inside the genetic ooze
that I keep trapped underneath a condom
or neutralized by a lover’s pill,
every time I fu*k a woman
who wants to make love
and make you.

I must admit that I’ve met Ms. Right
at least thousand times,
sweet talked her out her panties,
navigated the curvy landscape of her backside,
and like her body,
every fantasy was explored.
I could have sired you on several nights,
and after I untied the knotted tangle of human emotion,
I would’ve been happy about your arrival.
after all, I’ve pinched the cheeks of other men’s offspring,
watched their Little League games and recitals,
and pretended for a brief period that they were my child.

so I am no longer scared of my flaws,
just the faults of humanity that I cannot control.
yesterday, I sat outside in a city park
and watched this old timer
who has spent the last decade
becoming perpetually grey, his shirt
reeking of cheap wine and sorrow,
drop down in the middle of an unswept path
and start praying amongst the city filth and scattering pigeons.
and for some reason, I had the urge to pray with him,
kneel down right next to this crazy bum
and give God praise for all that is still glorious
in this shameful world, a planet that you’ll see one day
my son, hoping that the Lord will soon
bless me with the strength to protect you
and provide me enough courage to remain by your side.[/QUOTE]


My honest opinion...take it for what you will. As always I like your style and expression so I give it an A+ (:))

However the first 3 paragraphs/verses really didn't catch me or pull me in (highlighted red). The last 3 (highlighted in lime) had the power to pull me in and win me over. Very well articulated...and the close of kneeling with another praying in the midst of this world (our world) full of hate, dispare, negativity, hoplessness, filth etc and yet along with a "bum" kneeled in an unswept path to thank God for all that IS still good.

Propz :applause:

[aplus]

thanks mrhanky and educ8ted female...

I agree with you on that educ*ted female...it is almost like I was getting warmed up in the first few paragraphs to bring it at the end...good feedback, ma...

[zbreakz]

props to this. its fairly adequate. good image too.

[Gadgetgirl]

Those words drip from your heart. A reader feels that.

[JERSEYchick23]

i loved it...you spoke the truth, and who can argue with it

[aplus]

thanks for the feedback, and for feelin what I wrote