SS Love Lost (its a real short one give it a read and some feedback and ill prop u)

[mac58]

here is a short story pretty new at this and if u give it a read and either negative or positive feedback ill prop u

Love Lost

What's going on in your head? I really think you're losing it. I just don't understand you. You’ve taken me out every night for the past two weeks, and we’ve been together for three months now. But you can never commit.
Holding me close, the look in your eyes tells me that you want it as much as I do. You kiss me and rest your head on me night after night. But you can never commit.
When everyone turns their back on you, you come crying to me. And I know I’m just being used. You swear this time it is different. But you can never commit.
Who was here when that slut cheated on you? Me that’s who. Then you decided to use me to get back at her, sadly, I agreed, but you didn’t do it. You have to realize you can’t just pull me out of the closet and throw me back like an old shirt every time you need me. You swear this time you're for real. But you can never to commit.
We first started to see each other when your father died. Remember that? I’ll never forget you held me so tight and just cried all night. I didn’t say a word I just comforted you with my presence. But you still couldn’t commit.
What makes you think I can believe you want to commit this
time?
With that Ronald responded not by his words, but by his actions. Ronald held her in his arms one last time. As he sat there holding her, he thought about the moments leading up to this. The hardships, humiliation, self loathing, and disappointments he has faced in his lifetime. He tried to remember the good times. But the gravity of the tragedies over took the few truly happy moments. He knew he could never go back to that innocence of childhood again, his eyes have seen too much. He let out a deep forced breath. He closed his eyes and his body became cold and numb. He sunk into a catatonic state. He realized it was time. He rested his head on her one more time. His finger grasped her trigger one last time and for the first time he pulled it. He finally committed.[/I]

[aplus]

damn, that was pretty good. you strung it out well so we thought the commitment was to a girl, when it was really to his gun. and to seal the deal, true committement equal death. there are a lot of subtle thoughts underneath what is on the surface. My only suggestion would be to break it up into like four separate paragraphs or so instead of one big one. I definitely think the part that starts "With that Ronald responded not by his words..." should be its own paragraph. after that, you could look at if you wanna break it up any more than that. But this is good, especially for a short drop....1

[mac58]

thanks for the feedback. I was actually thinking I should structure it differently. I think I will try and brerak it up into a couple of parts. Once again thanks for the feedback and Ill prop u again. Its saying i must spread some rep but ill get ya.

[LaBellaBrown]

Nice drop. I really enjoyed the twist, initially I would've swore it was a girl, and was even planning on how to critique you off of that, but now... Good piece. But to be honest, it really didn't stimulate my interest much until the end. The layout of a piece is important. You do need to break it up into paragraphs because some sections needed a longer pause than just a period. Also, switch up your syntax, and sentence lengths to change the monotany of the piece. Also upping the vocab some adds some interest for the audience. But good work overall.

[mac58]

^^thanks for the feedback I propped u, and I def hear what ur saying its a bit slow in the begining and should be broken down a bit. I made some changes and reposted up top^^ Once again i appreciate the constructive crit

[mac58]

just wanted to bump this cause i made some minor changes and wanted to see any others woiuld give it a quick read.

[BK Aces]

Liked it alot, just be careful with some typographical/grammatical errors ("But you can never to commit." ) The last line works cleverly along that main theme, and I especially liked the line about first getting together after the sh*t wit the pops....When you switched to the narrator from the speaker in the first paragraphs, you may want to lead into it a little clearer.....Good sh*t overall, hope the feedback can be of some help; I'm always willing to offer my thoughts........

[Jazzy Soul]

Wow. Very good story... had my attention from the beginning and I coulda sworn it was about a female up until the very end... real emotional, I liked this piece. The only things I found wrong were some errors with contractions, like you used 'your' instead of 'you're' and 'there' instead of 'their'...


...I think your losing it... (Should be you're)

...When everyone turns there back on you... (Should be their)

You swear this time your for real... (Should also be you're)

There is someplace someone can be (for lack of a better explanation)
Their is for possesion by two or more people excluding the subject

Your is possession (2nd person)
You're is the contraction for You are.... just remember that, and you'll be fine

....But other than that, this was a very good story imo. :applause:

[mac58]

thanks too all who replied. I am relatively new to writing so my grammer is not the best. I've just been having ideas lately and figured I would get them out there. The feedback has been great, and I really appreciate and will utilize the constructive critism.

[SWEETASCANDY]

o sh*t that sh*t was deeper then a mutha fu*ka i thought it was gonna be a happy endin u sure did get me that was dope keep it up .......................

[mac58]

thanks for the read sweet

[Kamikaze22]

I would have to say that was some very good usage of personification. I think if you break it down so that the last paragraph is two then the ending will be so much more surprising. I liked!

[xero25]

Did U write that?? It's real good keep it up!

[mac58]

thanks for reading it, much appreciated and yeah i wrote it. I propped you.

[Kstate]

Yeah I'm really feelin that joint. It was real. I had to read it twice because at first I thought the commitment was to a girl. I'm pretty sure that was your intention. For readers to think you were talkin about a girl. But anyways, I thought it was fly. U got skillz. One!

[bigboog]

that was tight, I'm definetly feeling that!!

[digit]

nice read.. i agree with the others, break it up into paragraphs and fix the grammatical errors. other than that good work.

[Red B]

Wow, gripping. I enjoyed the repitition of the "But You Can not committ" line, how it drew me in. Then the surprise ending. A sad twist, but a compelling one.

[thastar]

well written, very convincing. i like your style, your word usage. brillant

[mac58]

thanks for response uve been propped

[[ICE][COLD]]

This was damn good. The way it read was more on the poetic side. Do you also write poetry? If u do , I wanna hear some.
I'm more of the poetic type, probably because less grammar rules and such, so I cant exactly tell if u needed any of that criticism. I'm more about content and less about technicality...On that note,if I wrote it, I'd have used more contrast and imagery.
For ex. He realized it was time. He rested his head on her one more time. His finger grasped her trigger one last time and for the first time he pulled it. He finally committed.[/I]
(Imagery)"he clutched her in a new , foriegn way that he'd never done before. An unusual finger grasped her trigger this time, with an equally unusual conviction. he turned her face very... slowly,.... towards his, as iff to recieve the most significant kiss he'd ever recieve in his life...Then squeezed her tightly".....
I would have then wrapped it up from there with slight contrast like a "BOOM" for a sound effect.
My ending would have been different and probably less allegorical (or moreso , depending on who's reading it) also making the ending contrast to the whole story.
If the intention was to make it a subtle, and less obvious, allegory, then you have done your job my friend.
I have to prop YOU on this one.:applause:

This story reminded me of Style P's song, "Nobody believes". Ever heard it?
I just realized that this is a loooong @ss reply...well deserved tho"

--Skalla

[billy danze]

wow! this is the 1st time i even realised there was a literary section so my feedback is gonna be nowhere near as intricate as sum others but i thought it was really good! wasnt expecting the ending at all! i thought it was really clever especially after reading it back again, specifically the line "Then you decided to use me to get back at her, sadly, I agreed, but you didn’t do it". well done! keep up the good work!

[mac58]

thnx for comments and uve all been propped

[biggajw04]

Unlike some of the other members, I'm not going to critize your grammatical errors or any contradictions that you may have made. All I'm going to say is that it was hot. The twist at the end was real nice;I thought that you were talking about a woman the whole time. Keep up the good work, man. Hit me back.......

[vtate]

I liked that..you have a lot of talent...I would read the whole book.

[Gadgetgirl]

Wow! Like many I thought it was about a love story, but what sort of tipped me off was in the beginning when you mentioned "3 months" and then the 1st "Never Commited." It made me want to read on as I don't know too many people that complained about commitments after only 3 months. Then I thought it was about drugs, thinking the person was relying on drug during the bad points of his life before cleaning up. I never once figured it to be about a gun. :wow: This love story is truly tragic and you weaved it masterfully!

[FemaleKitten]

It was good, the twist was nice, very unexpected. It sounded like a realtionship. It was good, however, just take a little time to re-read what you wrote to correct a few minor grammar errors. I'm no English teacher ok, LOL, but I really liked it. It pulled me into the story, that was cool. Keep writing!:applause:

[PinkLemonade29]

i don't really want to comment on ur grammar and all that but i really enjoyed this piece. i recently went to a seminar about suicide and this was just bringing me back to that. this piece was an amazing irony of commitment and death. good job. keep up the good work.

[kidmishima]

This was really good
I really like the twist at the end
I like how the story was developed and the repetition of committing
Keep writing, looking to read some more of your stuff

[dRaGoNz3k]

oh sh*t, i would've never thought you were talkin' about a gun..."But you can never commit." that was subtle man...i liked it a lot...

[saorio]

definately sick kid. I knew a twist was coming and it definately came. Nice job. Check out some of my work and tell me what you think?

[jag1]

i really like this, your style is mad crazy....liked the ending especially

[KristenB.]

I like it. Very Good.