The first chapter of my book (LONG READ)

[TheTruth]

Lemee know what y'all think. For better or worse. This is the first chapter and half of the second. And yes, I have to change the ending to the first chapter....

[djphyber]

looks good

[TheTruth]

http://rapidshare.de/files/1669921/Book.zip.html


Feedback appreciated...

[TheTruth]

Hello? Feedback?

*Listens to his own voice echo back to him*

[aplus]

Truth, I just downloaded it...I'll give it a read and give you feedback this afternoon or tommorrow morning...cool?

[TheTruth]

Thanks... it seems like this section of The Box isn't very populated, but honestly, I do appreciate the feedback. So much in fact, I propped ya...

[aplus]

I think you have a good start to your book, for real

You have a unique voice you are using in this story

Good Images - "sobbing on their suit jackets, leaving snot stains on their shoulder" and "mental rolodex" stand out to me

I think the sentence "They suck!" in the 1st paragraph seems out of place, and it sounds better without it, imo

You have some funny dialogue between the brothers throughout, and strong dialogue is what makes a story come off as real - keep using that

On page two, the last line, "it's nature" should be "its nature"

Page 3 - "...your way ad try..." replace ad with and

I think the description you use of the cities and ladies at the start of chapter 2 is strong

Page 6 - "Of coure Ted..." replace coure with course

Other than the typos, I think this looks good, man...good luck in finishing your novel

I write a lot of short stories, but don't have the patience yet to do a novel, so I respect what you are tryin to do...1