broken soul(just thought i'd throw my hat in the ring)

[sadistic_spitta]

I AM A BROKEN SOUL A SHATTERED HEART THATS BEATS SILENTLY,
THROUGH MY VEINS RUSH THE BLOOD OF DECEIT,
I WISH I COULD SLIT MY WRIST TO BLEED AWAY THIS TRAVESTY,
SHE WAS MY A.quired I.mmunity I HAD AN D.eficiency FOR HER LOVE S.yndrome,
BUT STILL I WISH I CAN TRANSFUSE THIS WHOLE ILLUSION,
LOSE THIS EAGERNESS TO BE A PART OF OUR SOLUTION,
BUT AGAIN AMID THE ANGER AND FRUSTRATION…. I STILL LOVE,
YES I CAN NOW ADMIT MY ADDICTION TO HER FRIVOLOUS NATURE,
AND I WISH I CAN FIND THAT 12 STEP 1 DAY AT A TIME PROGRAM,
SHE WAS MY HEROINE NOT TO CONFUSE HER WITH HEROIN,
BUT THROUGH THE WALLS I HEARD THAT SHE WAS ALSO TAKING HIS INJECTION,
I THOUGHT I WAS HER ETERNAL REFLECTION BUT NOW I SEE THAT MIRRORS LIE.

[brodch01]

sounds like something ive heard and liked, not to say youre biting... polish this up and it could be an amazing piece... some of the grammar needs work, and some of the conceptual follow-throughs need adjustment... regardless, i like what youve got...

[Don Savant]

welcome to the board....gotta read the rules though man.........

[phatboi1984]

i liked it was hot

[sadistic_spitta]

sounds like something ive heard and liked, not to say youre biting... polish this up and it could be an amazing piece... some of the grammar needs work, and some of the conceptual follow-throughs need adjustment... regardless, i like what youve got...

tell me what it sounds like, and also point out the grammar that needs work. constructive criticism is a must

[juckwin]

I liked it... i'd have liked it more though if you had gone a little further with it, not longer necessarily just deeper

[SuNsHiNe_BLuE]

I AM A BROKEN SOUL A SHATTERED HEART THATS BEATS SILENTLY,
THROUGH MY VEINS RUSH THE BLOOD OF DECEIT,
I WISH I COULD SLIT MY WRIST TO BLEED AWAY THIS TRAVESTY,
SHE WAS MY A.quired I.mmunity I HAD AN D.eficiency FOR HER LOVE S.yndrome,
BUT STILL I WISH I CAN TRANSFUSE THIS WHOLE ILLUSION,
LOSE THIS EAGERNESS TO BE A PART OF OUR SOLUTION,
BUT AGAIN AMID THE ANGER AND FRUSTRATION…. I STILL LOVE,
YES I CAN NOW ADMIT MY ADDICTION TO HER FRIVOLOUS NATURE,
AND I WISH I CAN FIND THAT 12 STEP 1 DAY AT A TIME PROGRAM,
SHE WAS MY HEROINE NOT TO CONFUSE HER WITH HEROIN,
BUT THROUGH THE WALLS I HEARD THAT SHE WAS ALSO TAKING HIS INJECTION,
I THOUGHT I WAS HER ETERNAL REFLECTION BUT NOW I SEE THAT MIRRORS LIE.

there's some correction for you (should change 'can' to 'could')...but on another note, i enjoyed this a lot...

[Don Savant]

hate to do it but...gotta close the thread until you follow the rules....