My First Poem

[A_Slim_Fat_Boy]

http://slumz.boxden.com/showthread.php?t=80604

Hey im not much of a poet... but i like this section of bx and wanted to post something... and ive commented on others poems and been thinkin about startin to write poetry... feedback is appreciated


I use your life as an inspiration for the way
That I wont ever choose to live
There is just to many ways to illustrate
How your dogma has foresaken you
Every single night you prayed
Offered forbidden fruit, but never strayed
fu*k your God
Your messiah and your Lord
He took all you had and left you like this
Now all you can do is sit and reminisce
A face that was once so innocent
Now left with a reflection of anguish
When he died you still prayed to you Christ
Thinking that your son moved on to a better life
Until you realized
Gods a lie and your son didnt deserve to die
It's not like you drove the malicious spear into his side
Wasted time praising the one who left you
beaten down and traumatized
You never thought to question why
He did this all for you

[phatboi1984]

clap clap clap..nice

[LordMason DaRula]

lol^^^ hey welcome to tha secion man we need new fresh blood here.. contest runnin go vote POM or OMW...... new rules for 2005 don posted them make sure next time you post a poem u crit someone elses first and then link that poem u crit here along with ya new post...... as 4 my crit.. i am never harsh on people posts cuz poetry is free artform aslway improving its self... people have they own styles so i cant really judge ya style cuz im just learning it... but it was cool for a 1st drop......

[Dos-effect]

props.......I can feel where you were coming from.

[~BLUEPRINT~]

concept understtod.....emotion felt as well, but the piece wasnt strong....it was okay as far as illustrating the void in your life and how you feel God had abandoned so to speak.....take me deeper into the topic....id consider revising....6.5/10

[A_Slim_Fat_Boy]

^^^^ thnx everyone for the feedback... imma keep this one under construction