Scars Run DEEP

[LordMason DaRula]

Hey this is new fresh out my mind, kinda went in to new direction, please give me some insight on it, if you like tell me and if you don't tell me where i went wrong... :D

http://slumz.boxden.com/showthread.php?t=149410 last critque done
Scars Run Deep


Pain Pain Pain
Thats all I feel
Is Pain
Oh Does It Hurt,
The searing torture of my flesh,
Eating away at my mind,
Not being able to relax or unwind,
Puncturing my chest
blood dripping from my heart,
Thump, thump, thump
Soon Will IT Stop?
I don't even know where to start
Meat ripping off my bones,
I am all alone
Is This Hell?
Scars RUN DEEP
How did it get like this?
Not being able to stand on my feet,
With my head held high,
To the sky
As a Man!
My feelings detached,
Lying on my back,
My Pride Being Raped, can I escape?
NO!!! Because Scars RUN DEEP
Now Is The Time to Die, and as I
Glaze upon the sky, Life, In recollection,
Was a Blade, and it killed me, slowly but surely,
Poorly Masquerading itself as enjoyable,
When Its true intentions was to kill me.
So Now It has,
So at last,
Is Heaven Destined for Me?
Am I Worthy Enough to See?
I Don't Know cause,
SCARS RUN DEEP!!!

[aplus]

I definitely see you making progress as a writer. This is definitely stronger writing, less cliches, and more emotion than you have had on your previous drops, where I may (or may not) have been kinda hard on you. It is good you are moving from the cliches.

This isn't necessarily the style of poem that I like the most, but I can respect it. It is stronger than your other joints. For me, I think the all caps and exclamation points and question marks kinda take away from your point...they seem extra, and they kinda hurt the rhythm of your work. A lot of times i don't use question marks cuz poetry gives you the freedom to break some english rules...but that is just me...you gotta do you, so if you disagree, that's all good...

It is good seeing you evolve on this sh*t...keep postin'.

[aplus]

btw -

"Life, In recollection,
Was a Blade, and it killed me, slowly but surely,
Poorly Masquerading itself as enjoyable,"

This was the best part...

[LordMason DaRula]

most of the time the words i be wantin to use i dont know how t spell, and know bever use word u dont u in ur regular life so I omitted them,, i see that u gettin at thanks man, now I am waiting for blue to come mark it up with the red pen.....LOL

[LordMason DaRula]

comin fam tell me what ya'll think

[LordMason DaRula]

reupthis again so people know it is new

[SuNsHiNe_BLuE]

i was feelin this...originality is a beautiful thing

[LordMason DaRula]

thanks

[LordMason DaRula]

Hey this is new fresh out my mind, kinda went in to new direction, please give me some insight on it, if you like tell me and if you don't tell me where i went wrong...

lookin for some love

[LordMason DaRula]

can i get some love people

[LordMason DaRula]

lookin for crits from a few more people

[LordMason DaRula]

Wassup re up

[LordMason DaRula]

uppin

[LordMason DaRula]

re uppin

[LordMason DaRula]

People can I get a crit... from a few more people...

[Don Savant]

good work man....i like it....nice piece......keep on doin ya thing

[LordMason DaRula]

Thanks

[shebz]

its a nice poem- a bit chilling- you used a lot of mad strong images... but there's a lot of emotion in it...

[Def Poet]

I liked this piece man, to me it had a nice flow to it, so keep on progressin as a writer