Getting Older

[aplus]

http://slumz.boxden.com/showthread.php?t=138177

This was inspired by some old folks that were at the grocery store in front of me in line...got me to think about how it might feel to be seventy or some sh*t...this ain't my best work, but I figured i could share and maybe the crits will help me improve it...1


Getting Older

He stares at her with nearsighted clarity
as she shuffles through aisles with a walker,
picking up cantaloupes
and squinting at labels on dented can goods,
trying to check them for fiber content.

Her fingers are creased
time has tattooed them with wrinkles
but he remembers them smooth,
and moisturized with scented lotions,
when her young hands explored
his uncharted erogenous zones
at the local park near Lake Superior
after he had shyly asked
for her soft hand in marriage.

And then he recalls how her ample breasts
used to reach towards his hands horizontally
before gravity dragged them towards the ground,
the same downward direction
of his now elderly erection.

“Those were the good old days”, he thinks
as they slowly proceed towards
the express lane checkout
with way more than twelve items.

[Def Poet]

i liked this drop plus, you're a creative brother, hot sh*t

[~BLUEPRINT~]

i think you should have made it a little more focused on how there life has been changed due to their age, not just how their appearance has changed and how their sexual features have changed as well.....it was kinda over the place becuz you went from talking bout the grocery store to breasts and marriage....I think you should speak more about how their life has been altered....to be honest this was my least favorite of your works....although different I just couldnt get with the concept on this one....but you still remain one of my favorite poets here fam.....i just think it couldve have reworked and directed more towards specific age constraints and alterations....6/10 on this one plus

[aplus]

thanks for the compliments and crits, playboy and blueprint

I see what you are saying, blueprint - I admit was kinda lazy in this poem.

I was just trying not to go into detail because I didn't want to write a long ass poem on the subject, but maybe I should try to look at their life changes rather that jump straight to sex. I probably talked about the sex cause I understand it, and was too lazy to look at the deeper issues you spoke of, life altering stuff.

I will take a shot at revising this tonight...1

[hiphophoney]

that was a nice drop man

[SuNsHiNe_BLuE]

Her fingers are creased
time has tattooed them with wrinkles
but he remembers them smooth,

^^im loving this...and the gravity/downward erection...nice wording

[atlantahawks]

that was a nice drop man

true!!!!! :cool:

[shebz]

Was feeling the concept, but think you could have layed it down better