Perfect sin

[cyberwulf]

I’ve found sin embodied in an angel fallen from the skies
Unknowing pushed by god, ripping the wings from her back
For tempting him to rape and ravage his own creation
Because she simply contained herself inside his visions

Fallen, forever stricken to the ground, as each vain pulses from her back
Fallen against the ground soaked in the perfect sin that now escaped her body
Sensing the new evils bestowed on the unknowing forces of man
She was taken by the preacher, sheltered from the world
And locked away in the basement of the church

Still her body glowed, in the perfect stitched pattered
Attached to her muscles and bones,
As the seamless markings flooded his dreams
Dreams of defiling her body, jabbing away with the ashamed growth
And slowly the locks of the basement relinquished its grip

Her screams heard by every man and they struggle to crowd
And her sisters peered over the clouds, as others searched for god
In hopes to condemn the one to defile the perfect body
And god heard the screams…
As he was inches away

[LordMason DaRula]

cool , i liked it, alotta insight in this piece keep doin you ~1

[~BLUEPRINT~]

nah wulf, nah....you are becoming a little too complicated for your own good...you are tryna do to much with your word usage and it KILLS the poem....its like you throwing th dictionary at us...and rather then comphrending the message in the poem you just blabbing on and on with a bunch of words that just do nothing jus make the piece more complicated than it should be.....

[brodch01]

^^^... but not exactly, im not sure the problem is vocab distinction, although hov's gotta point, there are some stretches... anyway, the theme is great, as are its conceptual counterparts... i think the issue is the poem's length, it needs to be longer to deliver on those conceptions (which leads to the idea of reader difficulty)... some work on form might help... you should definately add to this though, the idea in general is real good... reading some of your other stuff, sh*t is tough, id really like to see this added to...

[cyberwulf]

hmmm...i think you're both right, i feel ya on the word usage blue, im tryin to find a good middle, with the short lined poemeds opposed to the long lines

thanks for the honest crits